Narcissism vs self-love

‘A narcissist needs to fill the void he experiences inside’.

One of the favourite 'swear words' online is narcissist. The word is thrown around all over the place, but what exactly is narcissism? And is a narcissist really in love with himself? Psychologist Eowyn Van De Putte answers 6 questions about narcissism and self-love.

Narcissism, insecure attachment, parentification, trauma: these are heavy psychological terms that are now firmly established in everyday language. But what exactly do they mean? And when is it appropriate to use them? Knack Weekend will be unravelling it over the next few weeks in the 'Main Issues' series.

People - especially online - are juggling diagnoses these days. Colleague Aylin Koksal recently wrote an article on therapy speak, to frame this phenomenon. 'I notice that there is a great need to put a label on everything and quickly throw around those kinds of heavily loaded words,' says clinical psychologist Kaatje Vandevelde in the piece. 'It's a worrying trend,' she echoes. 'Also dwell on statements you make about others. We all struggle at times, but does that make everyone toxic, or a narcissist?' No, not all people who bother you or behave selfishly from time to time are narcissists. But then, what is a narcissist?

A person with narcissistic personality disorder (NPS) exhibits at least five of the following criteria, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5):

• Delusions of grandeur

• Believes he or she is unique and special and can only be understood by people or institutions that are equally unique

• Obsessed with unbridled success, power, beauty or love

• Needs exceptional admiration

• Has a sense of entitlement to special privileges and treatment without regard to the needs or feelings of others

• Exploits others for personal gain

• Lacks empathy; arrogant behaviour

• Is often jealous and believes others are jealous of him or her

Eowyn Van De Putte, clinical psychologist and researcher at the Department of Experimental Clinical Psychology at UGent, describes narcissism as follows: 'A continuous need for external validation and admiration and the pulling down and manipulation of others to boost one's own ego. This results from a lack of self-love.'

1. Are there different forms of narcissism?

Narcissism can manifest itself in different ways. 'Broadly speaking, two forms can be distinguished, grandiose narcissism and vulnerable narcissism,' explains Eowyn Van De Putte. Grandiose narcissism is the extroverted variant we know best. These are the arrogant, dominantTrump types, who always want to be the centre of attention, show little empathy and make no effort to hide this . Initially, people are often strongly attracted to this type of narcissist because of their charismatic appearance.

The vulnerable narcissist, however, is introverted and operates more covertly. Initially, to the outside world, they appear exceptionally sweet, altruistic, and empathetic. Consequently, they often assume the roles of do-gooders or gurus. However, over time, it becomes evident that this persona is nothing but a facade, concealing their envy and self-centeredness. They frequently seek attention by portraying themselves as victims due to their inability to achieve their grandiose self-image, in contrast to the grandiose narcissist who often succeeds. When confronted with comments or criticism, they tend to react defensively and angrily, and they tend to distance themselves from those who challenge them. Narcissists, after all, struggle to handle criticism effectively.

Common to both variants of narcissism is the insatiable need for admiration, a sense of superiority, control, power, status, and recognition. At the start of a relationship, the narcissist showers their partner with compliments and affection, a tactic known as 'lovebombing.' This strategy is used to foster emotional attachment. However, at some point, this behavior ceases, giving way to rejection.

Narcissism can be present to varying degrees. The most extreme form is narcissistic personality disorder. This affects 1 to 2 per cent of the population, more often men than women. The characteristics are: an inflated self-image, problems with empathy, the feeling of having special rights (entitlement) and extreme need for admiration and attention. One speaks of a disorder when the narcissist or his/her loved ones are suffering from the narcissistic traits.

Narcissism expert W. Keith Campbell Ted Talk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arJLy3hX1E8

2. Is the narcissist in love with himself?

Falling in love with your own reflection, it happened to Narcissus in the well-known Greek myth. It did not end well for him, as he died sad and alone because he could not love his reflection. Narcissus gave his name to the narcissus flower and to the term narcissism.

The cliché states that a narcissist is overflowing with love for himself, but is this true? 'Although it may appear that narcissists are in love with themselves, narcissism is just the opposite of self-love,' Van De Putte clarifies. 'It is because of a lack of self-love that they feel a huge emptiness inside, which makes them look for the continuous recognition from outside. Any criticism is seen by a narcissist as rejection. 'Criticism triggers the pain they feel.' That's why they want to draw attention to their talents and inflate their achievements.

'I think it's important to focus on this deep wound that narcissists carry,' Van De Putte echoes. 'Usually this behaviour stems from a trauma they suffered during childhood. The finger is pointed at narcissists, but we should also think about why they act this way.' The psychologist stresses that she does not want to condone the behaviour of narcissists, but that we should also study the system in which a narcissistic personality develops.'

3. Can you breed narcissists?

Exactly what ingredients are needed in what quantities to 'breed' a narcissist is not clear, but experts agree that it is caused by a mix of social, cultural, genetic and environmental factors.

So, according to Van De Putte, narcissism is not merely an individual issue; it reflects our society as a whole. Research indicates that narcissism is more prevalent in cultures that prioritize individualism and self-promotion. 'In patriarchal societies, the emphasis remains on achievement, external validation, control, competition, and status,' she points out. 'This focus is still strongly present, both in corporate cultures and in the academic world, from which I myself originate.' Often, narcissists rise to the top because they excel in a system that thrives on notions of superiority, power, and manipulation. Instead of pursuing activities that truly fulfill them or align with their dreams, individuals may feel compelled to choose those that promise the highest status or prestige. These societal pressures are instilled from an early age and contribute to the development of narcissistic traits.’

Narcissism is also influenced by heredity," Van De Putte explains. "As we inherit intergenerational trauma, we all carry wounds from our ancestors. Frequently, we start emulating and perpetuating patterns we observed in our parents. When these patterns are harmful, such as gender inequality, it is crucial for us as a society to break free from them. Today, there is a growing awareness of the need to empower women. However, sometimes this leads to women adopting patriarchal behaviors because strength has been traditionally associated with such conduct. This can result in a superficial form of feminism, where a woman in a position of authority believes she is strong and feminist by exerting control and manipulation, practices that have historically been associated with men. This is not the same as striving for equality. It tends to confine women to a patriarchal framework and hinders men from escaping it. True feminism is not about establishing superiority and hierarchy. It's about standing shoulder to shoulder, men and women together. It's about having the freedom to be your authentic self, being willing to show your vulnerabilities and fears, promoting equality, and considering each other's needs.

4. Where does the sense of emptiness experienced by narcissists come from?

The answer to this question can also be found in our society, explains researcher and psychologist Eowyn Van De Putte. 'At the core lies a lack of connection. We often do not feel connected to what our real desires are. There is also a lack of connection between people. There is more and more loneliness.' 'And the connection with nature is also way off in our society. Because of the disconnection people experience, they are constantly looking for ways to fill the void. Hence the search for affirmation from others or external stimuli.'

People used to be more religious, and this provided a sense of connection to a community and a larger purpose," Van De Putte explains. "Today, religion has waned for most people, leading to a greater emphasis on individuality. Nevertheless, a sense of belonging remains profoundly important — a place where one feels supported and can be their true self, not just when they're happy, but also when they experience fear, sadness, or anger. While there has been some progress in focusing on mental well-being in recent years, there is still limited space for vulnerability in our society. This is why masks are often worn, concealing the less favorable aspects of our true selves.

We may also confront a lack of love and emotional recognition during our upbringing, which, as Van De Putte explains, leads to a sense of emptiness. 'Many people believe they haven't experienced trauma, but in reality, they have gone through micro-traumas. These can range from emotional neglect to not having their emotions acknowledged,' explains the psychologist. 'In the past, it was common for children to be expected to obey their parents, with little consideration for how the child felt. I don't wish to cast blame on parents; that was simply the prevailing trend at the time,' she emphasizes. Hence, raising awareness about this issue and the efforts of the new generation of parents attempting a different approach could be a step in the right direction.

According to experts, constantly placing your child on a pedestal isn't advisable, but neither is treating them coldly or indifferently. It's important to let children express their emotions and not judge their feelings.

5. Can you be 'cured' of narcissism?

One of the myths of narcissism is that you are a narcissist for life. 'I don't agree with that,' Van De Putte echoes. 'I have seen with several clients that evolution is possible. The biggest problem is that narcissists often don't see themselves as narcissists. The defence mechanisms to not feel the pain or emptiness are so great that they are blind to it themselves. But there are also plenty of narcissists who at some point feel the emptiness and even collapse. From that point, there is the opportunity for growth and healing. In the process, they learn to genuinely like themselves, but also to recognise and accept their flaws. The goal is to give the narcissist tools to connect with themselves and those around them. It is important to take that positive perspective. If narcissists are incurable, we have a big problem as a society.'

'Ultimately, working on yourself results in real connections. That is actually what everyone longs for. Narcissists too, although it is harder for them to see and admit. If they can confront their own pain, there is potential for healing and the formation of authentic relationships.'

Van De Putte emphasizes the importance of not only the narcissist working on themselves but also the individuals on whom the narcissist relies. "Narcissism is the flip side of the coin in a codependent relationship. Those caught in the grip of a narcissist, be they men or women, are often perceived as victims. However, they typically experience a similar sense of emptiness as the narcissist, but express it differently. They often feel they can only exist when they are helping or caring for others. They are natural givers. Narcissists are quick to exploit this trait, using these individuals to fill their own void. This is why these two types are frequently irresistibly drawn to each other. Leaving these victims in their role of victimhood is not a productive approach; they, too, require assistance. They need to recognize that by failing to set boundaries and only giving, they perpetuate the narcissist's pattern. This does not aid the narcissist, and it certainly does not help themselves. Someone with narcissistic tendencies requires boundaries."

"The narcissist and their victim are often portrayed in a black-and-white manner, but it's about the dynamics between people," Van De Putte stresses. "If victims don't work on themselves, they will continue to gravitate toward unhealthy relationships, and the cycle will persist. Learning to establish boundaries and develop self-esteem is crucial for a balanced relationship. For the victim, self-respect enables them to break free from the pattern. The narcissist, in turn, will no longer feel the need to assume a superior role if they genuinely like themselves."

6. What is the difference between self-love, egoism and narcissism?

So, isn't defining your own boundaries and resolutely choosing for yourself considered selfish?" Eowyn Van De Putte responds, "Absolutely not, but there are often misconceptions about self-love. It's crucial to understand that you don't have to diminish yourself in order to be there for others. When you give constantly without taking care of your own needs, your energy depletes, leaving you with nothing to give. While it may sound counterintuitive to many, it's genuinely important to prioritize self-care, self-acceptance, and self-nurturing.

"Self-love entails the capacity to embrace your own emotions. To me, it signifies a form of true adulthood. In our society, most adults tend to get stuck in a sort of prolonged adolescence. Real self-love means loving yourself unconditionally, irrespective of societal expectations or external validation. Think of it as parenting yourself, reconnecting with your inner child, tuning into your intuition, and listening to your inner needs. What are your dreams? What are your desires? It also means granting your emotions the space to exist. When pain arises, it's about not suppressing it with alcohol, work, or distractions but having the courage to experience and feel that pain. Pushing away your emotions sends a message that you are not enough."

"When you fully embrace all facets of yourself and respect your own being, you can extend more love to others. Striving for superiority transforms into a quest for equality. There's no longer a need to be above someone else, as is often the case with narcissism."

"At the core of self-love is the ability to thrive without seeking external validation.. The art of not giving a fuck may sound harsh, but there is truth in it. Self-love stems from self-acceptance, and from there, love for others can blossom. You don't have to fill a void with someone else; instead, you can genuinely choose to be with someone out of freedom, not necessity."

Dutch translation published in : knack weekend